WORST FILMS EVER: The Village

I am in the process of compiling a list of the worst films ever made. There are many obvious choices (Battlefield Earth, Plan 9 from Outer Space, etc) but I want to expose other films which are always overlooked when someone puts together a list like this. First up, M. Knight Shaylamalan’s The Village.

I suggest you leave now if you actually want to see the movie, or if you can’t read… and if you can’t read, feel free to call me at home, anytime, and I will laugh at you. Of course, the joke will be on me because if you can’t read, everything I just said to you was just a bunch of weird looking squiggly lines.

*drum roll* (played preferably by a drummer in a gorilla costume)

There is just so much to talk about in this drama/piece of crap/horror/comedy that I don’t know where to begin… I’ll break down my review of this truly exquisite movie into a few, more focused, sections.

THE BLIND GIRL
Totally believable! There wasn’t a second in the movie where I didn’t believe she was blind– even when she would look directly into others actors’ eyes! And even when her father came to the doorway behind her and she said “oh hi dad, I know it’s you even though I’m blind and my back is turned, and you didn’t make any noise to suggest it was you” – So convincing! In fact by the end of the movie I was convinced that I was blind!

THE MONSTER
Alright, some might think that it makes more sense to reveal that the monster is just a handicapped guy in a costume AFTER the big monster-chases-girl scene, but not M. Knight Shaylaalamalan. He switches it up and reveals the twist AND THEN has an extremely long scene of a man in a monster costume stumbling after a “BLIND” (see above) girl. It is terrifying. I peepee many times.

CINEMATOGRAPHY
I heard some other people in the theatre screaming “I can’t watch this trash!”, “This cinematography sucks!” and “Where am I?” I disagree. Brilliant.

USE OF ADRIEN BRODY
Stupendous, my only fear is that he will now be type cast - remember he also played that handicapped monster man in The Pianist.

THE DIALOGUE
The seamonkey who wrote the script deserves an Oscar nomination. Example: “Do you not sometimes don’t do something because it’s the very thing that you do want to do sometimes do?” The writing is, in a word: Life-changing!

THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE SKINNED LAMB
Easily the third best skinned lamb performance I ever seen.

JOAQUIN AS LUCIUS
My favourite part was when Joaquin Phoenix wanted to make out with his sister and she wouldn’t let him! And then in the end, when Russell Crowe stabbed him! Oh wait - that was that other movie, Gladiator, where he also played a guy named Lucius who gets stabbed in the stomach.

THE SOUND
Terrifying! Especially the over the top orchestra noise every time someone enters the forest! I also thought the voice saying “Be very afraaaid” over and over was a nice touch. It’s the small details that make or break a film, for instance when Adrien Brody stabs Joaquin Phoenix in the stomach everyone wondered where the audio went (this scene appears to be silent) - obviously they didn’t hear him whisper “OUCHY” like I did.

CONCLUSION
I give it 5 useless walking sticks out of 5!

Just to clarify, this is sarcasm. Last weekend was slightly more enjoyable than this movie; I found out my parents didn’t love me on Saturday and fell of a cliff onto spikes on Sunday.